Wombat Rape

Things have a funny old way of working out.

 

Though people who know me know sometimes I wear eyeliner for cheap thrills, on the whole I like to be a winner which means I don’t really take an interest in poor people, ugly people, stupid people and particularly . . . boring people and thier problems.

 

But we’ve all got tests to face. I’ve been meaning to blog about my recent religious experiences.

 

You see growing up in grey lynn I was taught from a young age that it’s okay for a man to put his penis up another man’s bottom, that voting national is wrong no matter how much you earn, and that believing in god is for uneducated people.

 

It is said that a man is really two men.

 

The man he is and the man he wants to be.

 

The man I want to be would probably date more models, but more importantly, wouldn’t have missed the awesome party last night.

 

But we all have tests to face and challenges to overcome. It is the will of the universe.  The idea that the will of the universe is an old man who has a beard and sits on a cloud is obviously the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard.

 

Sometimes you have to miss an awesome party in order to maintain your commitment to becoming, superior, smug, and dating more models.

 

Is it destiny, is it the will of the universe, is it some dude with a beard?

What’s the difference?

 

Things have a funny old way of working out.

Sometimes you work out and do your crunches to some driving drum’n bass.

 

Sometimes you put on some indie and think about a girl you used to know.

 

Sometimes you pump up an 80’s power anthem and punch the air because you’re a winner.

 

 

 

We’re following up on recent goat rape news with this wombat-strikes-back report.

 

 

>NEW Zealand man has been sentenced to community work after telling police he was raped by a wombat and the experience had made him speak “Australian”.

 

Arthur Ross Cradock, 48, from the South Island town of Motueka, called police on February 11 and told them he was being raped at his home by the wombat and he needed help, The Nelson Mail newspaper reported.

 

The orchard worker later called back and said: “Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right, you know.”

 

Cradock pleaded guilty in the local court to using a phone for a fictitious purpose. He was sentenced to 75 hours’ community work.

 

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a large role in Cradock’s life.

Beastiality bonus

 

oh the questions that remain . . . how did he get caught???

Was it a boy or a girl goat? was the goat underage? Pretty shabby journalism really.

I mean seriously. HOW did he get caught?

Did someone say to the goat . . . “show me on this doll where the man touched you?”

Final name suppression was granted today to a North Canterbury man who admitted trying to have sex with a goat.

In Rangiora District Court, Judge Brian Callaghan ordered the man, who turns 69 tomorrow, to undergo two years of intense supervision.

Judge Callaghan said the behaviour was “unusual, perverse and depraved” but his family, including the man’s wife, continued to support him and publication of his name would negatively affect any chances of his rehabilitation.

“It is unfortunate that cases of this nature, the way things are, attract overwhelming media publicity,” the judge said.

“There is no doubt a prurient interest (in the case) that people will want to read about. Unfortunately that is human nature.”

He said he believed the man’s wife was “bearing the greatest burden here”.

The judge noted the man’s previous sexual offending against pre-pubescent girls more than 20 years ago, which, he said, might explain why he chose an animal to satisfy his sexual urges.

“You are a sad case, really,” Judge Callaghan said. “This is such perverse and depraved behaviour it reflects a person of enormous deficiency in personality.”

At his earlier appearance the court was told the man believed he would not get caught because “animals couldn’t talk” and he would not be “told on”.

He had pleaded guilty then to the charge of attempting to commit bestiality with a goat.

Police said the man admitted taking the goat to the rear of his small lifestyle property in a rural township and trying to have sex with it.

After the unsuccessful attempt, the man did up his trousers, patted the goat and walked off.

“He was contrite but said he was unable to stop the behaviour,” the police prosecutor said.

Urging Judge Callaghan to grant final name suppression, lawyer Andrew McCormick said the man had “significant personal problems”, was unsophisticated, and as an “untreated sex offender” was at a high risk of reoffending.

When the public became aware of earlier offending against children he’d been “run out of town” and suffered regular beatings.

He’d suffered the “full spotlight of the public” and believed he was a prisoner in his own home, fearful of going out because of public hostility.

The man also suffered from a number of medical conditions, including sexual dysfunction.

“If this man’s identity is before the public, he and his family would become pariahs in the community,” Mr McCormick said.

Judge Callaghan noted the maximum penalty for similar offending had been reduced from life imprisonment at the turn of the 20th century to one of 3-1/2 years.

But he said he believed a jail sentence was not warranted despite the “niggling issue of sexual offending against young females over 20 years ago”.

Classic Myspace Bulletin posts #42: We don’t need your vote

 

We don’t need your fucking vote

 

Live and Local? Play at the BDO? Yeah yeah yeah, we know all about that . . . like we need you fucking voting for us in some fuckin’ shitty competition to think we’re cool . . . fuck that!

We’d just kick everyones arse. Bullshit? Um, like . . . 1200 friends?
Yeah, I said it. But who wants a bunch of shitheads like us playing at the BDO, anyway, we’d be a fucking embarrassment. And like we’d wanna play first thing in the morning to a bunch of twatty squares who turn up before mid-day.

We wanna be in the box with the buffet like fucking last year hanging with Brooke Fraser’n shit, we could be her bit of rough. Then cause a scene, clast some Icons, meet some spunky birds, maybe make half an effort to catch Soulwax, Go! Team, see if Iggy can make it through his set without needing a stretcher . . . but yeah then piss off back to the Compound for a shindig or hootinanny, because it maybe our only chance to hang with our out of town myspace friends.

Vote for one of these guys because they are our friends on myspace too, and obviously desperately need it:

Inverse order
Tomorrow Comes in Silence
Teen Wolf
The Rabble

Well only one of these bands are definately hipster. One of them has a fuckin dumb name and one of them is a bunch of bullshit sell outs. It’s amazing they haven’t sold their own . . . manager.

But y’know, yeah BDO. way fuckin’ hey! Why not stop acting like a human and become part of an obsessive mega throng of scum sucking vampires crawling over one another to get to your fucking precious scene royalty – just for a day? Sounds good.
M.I.A’s only playing in Australia. What a fucking crock of shit.

Let’s hang around outside and Compound some Reality. Give scenesters shit. Meet some nice birds to add to our collection.
See ya there.

Dei Hamo’s gonna rock . . . pfft – as soon as Common turns up it’s gonna be NZ Hip Hop sit the fuck down . . .

 

 

Addendum

 

So what is the difference between Slipknot and The Wiggles? Don’t fuckin’ laugh it’s a serious question!

Both dress up in funny costumes and play for little kids. I swear it was fucking Trick or Treat there were so many 12-year-olds walking round in facepaint.

“broom broom big red car” ?

Do they do that one?

Evil, man. Throw up ya fuckin’ goats, maggots!

Oh yeah? Why not come down here and call me a maggot, you fuckin’ tosser!

Surprised:
Beastie Boys
John Spencer

Impressed:
Shapeshifter

Let down:
Le Tigre

Pointing, laughing and shaking our heads:
Savage

Fuck Off:
The Streets. If that talent free zone can get a slot, then maybe we should be playing!

 

 

Classic Myspace Bulletin #41: Scotty “rocker” lamb

 

 

Guess whose just been added to the Compound friends list?

it’s

SCOTTY ROCKER!!!!

 

 

 

THEE Hot as spunkburger drummer from from the bands Cold by Winter and Streetwise Scarlet!!!!

Now don’t all you dirty whores be swamping him with adds because he is OUR friend, and it took us ages, so don’t think he just adds any dirty little slapper.
Check out Scotty’s page!!!

More info on this mega hot development soon!!! Or should I say Super hot? Yes I should.

More info on this super hot development soon!!!

 

Classic Myspace Bulletin posts #35: Crazy flight of the Fool Hen

“crazy-flight” of the “Fool-hen” : The Ruffed Grouse.Ruffed Grouse are the most widely distributed resident game bird in North America. By far the major portion of the Ruffed Grouse range and populations is in regions where snow is an important part of the winter scene. The Ruffed Grouse is a hearty, snow-loving, bud-eating native which thrives during severe winters that decimate flocks of partridges, quail, pheasants and turkeys.

The name “Ruffed” was derived from some long, shiny, black or chocolate colored neck feathers that are most prominent on the male. When the cock is in full display in defense of his territory, or showing off to an interested hen, these feathers are extended into a spectacular ruff which, together with a full fanned tail, makes him look twice his normal size. The plumages of the two sexes are quite similar.

Although sometimes regarded as “wilderness” birds, Ruffed Grouse have no aversion to living in close proximity to humans if the cover gives them adequate security but are not considered much of a sporting bird in western mountains and north into Canada due to their confiding “fool-hen” nature.

Ruffed Grouse are normally solitary in their social behaviour, although there is usually at least one hen in the woods for every male. Young birds, especially, collect in temporary, loose flocks in the fall and winter, but this is not equivalent to the covey organization of the quails and partridges.

Male Ruffed Grouse are aggressively territorial throughout their adult lives. The male grouse proclaims his property rights by engaging in a “drumming” display. This sound is made by beating his wings against the air to create a vacuum, as lightning does when it makes thunder. The drummer usually stands on a log, stone or mound of dirt when drumming, and this object is called a “drumming log.” He does not strike the log to make the noise, he only uses the “drumming log” as a stage for his display.

Drumming occurs throughout the year, so long as his “log” is not too deeply buried under snow. In the spring, drumming becomes more frequent and prolonged as the cock grouse advertises his location to hens seeking a mate.

In fall and winter some inexperienced young grouse frightened by a predator or something else, crash into buildings, trees or through windows in a so-called “crazy-flight.” Sometimes they are evidently simply trying to take a short-cut when they can see through two large windows on the corner of a house. After all, young grouse in their first fall have never been confronted by something that can be seen through but not flown through, such as glass!

Most Ruffed Grouse die a violent death to provide a meal for one of a number of meat-eating predators, for in the natural scheme of things, Ruffed Grouse are one of the first links in a complex food chain. Some also die from disease and parasites, or from exposure to severe weather, or accidentally by hitting trees or branches while in a panic flight after being frightened.

The horned owl probably kills more grouse annually than any other predator. This is due to the cosmopolitan distribution of these owls and the likelihood that any woodland capable of supporting grouse will have resident horned owls, or at least be regularly visited by them. Yet, where cover is adequate, grouse can find security and maintain their abundance even when goshawks and horned owls live and nest nearby.

Classic Myspace Bulletin posts #31: Honk for jesus

HONK FOR JESUS We actually have no problem with christians. How you choose to spend your sunday and appreciate the good things in your life is your business. If you wanna put your penis where another guy does poos, we got no problem with that, either, as long as you’re both into it.

Really, the best thing about christians is they don’t steal your weed – or anything else, they don’t get on the P (meth), they often smell good, and work hard, and usually if they’re being a prick, it’s all good for you to let them know – “bro, you’re being a prick, man! You pay your share and stop being such an asshole about it!”

Look at Ned Flanders, he’s all good. He can move next door to the Compound.

The church is more the problem. If you wanna love jesus, and give him props for the good energy in your life, sweet, but when you’ve got some other dude rocking up telling you HOW to go about loving your god, that’s when shit gets a bit loose and next thing you got a war going on, and dirty old buggers who’ve never had a decent root getting up to no good.

See we here at the compound know that if JC is up there, he’s got no beef with us, we ain’t done shit. He might even be impressed that I managed to get a girls bra off while she was asleep when I was 16, cos that’s the worst thing I ever done, and I know it was extremely disrespectful, but you can’t tell me I’m burning in hell for that!

And one thing is sure: If jesus isn’t a complete fuckwit, and if he really said all that shit, then I’m sure he’s not, then he doesn’t give a flying fuck wether you repost this bulletin or any other fucking bulletin on fucking myspace.

Did jesus say “OMG I’m so more christian then you = n00b LOL pwnd!!!1!”

Nah. He didn’t, actually.

So just don’t fuck anyone over, don’t fuck anyone unless you at least sort of care about them, and if you have a kid, look out for the little shit. So that way if JC is up there, you, us and him, we’ll all be sweet!

More on hell, religious intolerance, and being a Nazi . . . I dunno, at some point. The viewpoint just described is called AGNOSTIC.

Classic Myspace Bulletin posts #28: Yeast Infection

INTRODUCING YEAST INFECTIONThis is just a quiet note to all our hardcore fans concerning a side project of a core Reality Compound and Style Over Substance member who shall remain nameless, principally because he enjoys strutting round in fishnet stockings and very little – in fact – nothing else, except for his docs.

http://www.myspace.com/yeastinfection

Of course being a member of Team RC requires a certain outgoing creative and spontaneous um . . . “streak” and RC members are required to spend at least an hour a week wearing nothing but a single sock around the Compound. Body Image insecurity and self consciousness was quickly marked as a “problem area” by Team RC psychological hygienists.

This is deemed fundamental to the psychological development of Compound members – as the peoples of east Africa i.e. the Masai Mara, stretch the neck, lip, and earlobe, so must Team RC stretch the Comfort Zone to allow for deeper penetration into the pysche of the spectator in our performances.

This has become prioritized now that our success on mypace has brought on calls for the Reality Compound radio and television projects to go ahead much earlier than planned.

www.myspace.com/yeastinfection

We would link the picture, but we have young girls on our friends list, who shouldn’t really be subjected to male nudity without discretion.

So um yes . . . can you guess which RC Team member chose this delightful ensemble as his halloween “costume”? (photo is taken from the RC vs Catguts Halloween Trick or Treat night. THAT is another story, but we definately got more candy than them. Maybe because of the naked man, maybe not.)

As an aside, Rick and I were watching Rick’s favourite show, “24″ last night, when an add for vaginal thrush relief comes on!!!

Imagine my embarrassment when Rick looks at me with his little Grouse eyes and asks me: “What’s vaginal thrush?”

I told him it was Bread that grows on your bits if you wear tight trousers all the time. Luckily Kiefer returned to screen promptly to save me anymore embarrassment.

I love Rick. He’s so cute, with his “drumming” and his wee log. And he gets so excited when “24″ is on.

http://www.myspace.com/rickthegrouse 

Good riddance to facebook

So I was reading that thing in the sunday herald about facebook.

Oooohhh facebook has peaked has it?

That’s because no one gets fucking laid on facebook.

Its not only run by some of the most evil uber libertarian nazi fuckers you can imagine (yes! WORSE than rupert Murdoch!)

Full of just gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gayness in the form of the most gay apps.

Where’s the “Get fucked off your face, crash your black sportscar and wake up naked next to some chick who’s name you’ve forgotten.
” app????

I’m serious.

Is boring as hell because it’s full of people you already know are boring and already know youre a pervert, and it’s really hard to stalk people you barely know or can persuade to “meet up” . . . “y’know just to hang out”.

And of course NOW

It’s just full of ratty arse advertising. WAY worse than myspace, and even worse than spam because it’s all allowed.

So facebook is over. Good fuckin riddance, I never liked it anyway.

STUPID FUCKIN FACEBOOK WIDGET DOESN’T EVEN WORK.

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR 6 MONTHS AND I WOULDN’T KNOW BECAUSE I’M ON FACEBOOK WHERE STALKING IS BAD MEANWHILE ON MYSPACE I’VE ALREADY BEEN SHOT DEAD IN THE CROSSFIRE BETWEEN MYSPACE ADMIN AND THE SPAMMERS.

Spam staright and spam true, oh ye followers of the tigers penis!!!

 

Finally doing stuff again

We almost pulled the plug on RC last week!!!Instead we flipped the script and finally dropped some RCTV material!

http://nz.youtube.com/user/RealityCompound

I’m not embedding because I’m keeping it real for the fans just for now.Follow us on our official blog

http://realitycompound.blogspot.com

Right now I’m updating with classic myspace bulletins from 2006 everyday.

SO ANYWAY.

We thought about dropping RC just because we’re so heavily into bringing back the pirate vibe. Soon you’ll be able to check out new songs and vids with the follow up to 2006’s “Get Real” – our new project tentatively titled “Pirate Compound”.

Although our next album is going to be a total concept album which is totally piratecore and basically all about the pirates . . .

I just wanna send a message out to all the kids, and this is important to understand why I haven’t been around and am getting into pirates (where the money is) rather than taking the piss out of crapped out psuedo celebrities and emo’s on myspace.

People say money can’t buy you happiness.

THAT IS A TOTAL LOAD OF SHIT!

THEY’RE PROBABLY POOR AND STUPID (THUS WHY THEY’RE POOR) …AND WOULDN’T FUCKIN KNOW

A lot of kids see bands on TV and think that must be cool and that being in a band is crazy and gets you laid heaps.

That’s not untrue. But having pots of dosh is like WAY WAY better.So your fakexcore advice right now is that though being cool is cool, it is really hard to be cool if youre not rich first.

So you should immediately stop trying to be cool and think about how you can get rich. Seriously.Seeya soon!

xx Matt

Penile Clamps?

Anyone for penile clamps?

The guys from Google have checked out my page and THIS is the kind of ads they think I’m interested in?

Sponsored Links

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Incontinence in Men

Our Penile Clamps Help You Live Hassle Free. Buy Two For CAD89.95!

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Yeah pissing myself is such a drag – especially for me, a busy guy on the go. Might give a few buddies the heads up about these great Penile Clamps at www.incontinececlamp.com AND only $90 Canadian for two – that’s one for a friend!

How could you say no? In fact you may as well throw a russian mail order bride on there as well and make a night of it!

Either somethings up at Google or they know something I don’t and I’m a lot more fucked up than I thought I was.